Learning To Walk Again
by haveyouseenmyhaggis
Summary: The Doctor is left reeling in the aftermath of his meeting with Davros. He struggles to understand. Angst and loads of spoilers for 4:13.


**Title: Learning To Walk Again**

**Summary: The Doctor is left reeling in the aftermath of his meeting with Davros. He struggles to understand. Angst and misery. **

**Author's Note: ****Major spoilers for 4:13. If you don't want it spolied don't read. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own _Doctor Who. _**

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I feel empty. There is nowhere for me to go now. Sarah-Jane's parting words are pulling at my hearts and I try not to hear. I know I can count them all as my family; Martha, Rose, Jack, Donna and everyone but if why am I so alone now then? Why am I standing by the TARDIS console all by myself? Why is there nobody else here to tell me that everything will be okay?

I've just left Donna Noble, brave, charming, fierce Donna with no memories of me whatsoever. That nearly tore me apart just to see that. She doesn't remember any of it. All of it was of no benefit to her…it helped me heal but then it brought me straight back to the ground again. I'm on the ground crawling just like I was when Martha left… When Rose left… How long is this going on for? When will the pain end? Why do I always end up alone? _Why? _

I sit down and run my hand through my hair realising for the first time how wet it was. I know it was raining but I didn't really feel it. I was so cold anyway. I was dropping myself headfirst back into a pit of darkness; how could I worry about something as mundane as _rain_?

I left Rose on the parallel universe again with the other me. I lost the person I love so dearly and I won't see her again… ever. I can't. But then again… I said that last time and I met her again now, didn't I? No. I can't think like that. It's dangerous; false hope is going to hurt me more when I realise it's not going to happen. I can't hold on to fantasy… But I want to… Oh, I _want _to. I wish it was me still standing on that beach with Rose Tyler but it's not… I'm standing here alone.

Martha? She won't be alone. She has Jack and the rest of Torchwood. She'll do well with them. She's strong and I can see her going a long way. And Jack? Well, Jack's like he always is; handsome, charming and the sort of man who'd die for his friends. That's what I like about Jack. When will I see him again? Will I see him again? Probably. What if I don't?

I hate this. I really do. I wish there was someone I could talk to about all this but there's not. Nobody's here but me. I so badly wish someone would come along and take me in their arms and say, "Look, it'll all be fine. I'm here for you," just so I can hear the words I need to hear.

I met Davros again and that's something I never thought I'd do. It felt like he was taking my body in his grip and twisting so I couldn't breathe. What he was saying made sense and it hurt to see that. I took Rose, Martha, Donna and the other's from their old lives and showed them things they wouldn't have seen otherwise but did I really turn them into murderers? Did I really do that to them? If I did I didn't mean to. I'd always told them not to use guns but they did themselves… Am I to blame? Really? Did I turn them into monsters? Rose had changed so much since I saw her last… She was _so _different but she was still Rose. Was the change my fault?

I don't want to be thinking like this anymore. I want to escape. Then I remembered how trapped and helpless I'd been at the mercy of Davros. I hadn't been able to run anywhere when my mind was screaming at me "Run! Run!" But then again, that would have meant I was running exactly like Davros said I was. Does he even know what it's like to be me? Doesn't he understand what it's like to feel so alone? Of course he doesn't. He mocked me for feeling, as did so many others before him, but what would I be if I didn't feel? What would I _do _if I didn't feel? I wouldn't be alive. I'd be a zombie… A shell of a man.

I stand up and circle the TARDIS console grateful that it's still alive but still feeling the ache to have people standing around it like I did earlier. It was brilliant telling people how to fly the TARDIS but now they're all gone and I'm alone.

What am I going to do? I don't know. There's nobody here to hold me close as I so badly want. There's nobody here to help me stand again when I've fallen to my knees. I'm crying now. I don't usually. There's no point real but I can't help it. My world has collapsed again around me and there's nothing I can do right now so I might as well just let the tears come. Let my pain have it's twisted way with me. You'd have thought by now that I'd be immune to pain but no. I keep getting knocked down like a small child and I have to learn to walk again. I have to start over and pick up the pieces. My life is filled with so much problem solving and I usually find a solution but right now I can't even sum up the problem enough to see a way out.

In time I'll learn to walk again. I'll find a way to carry on but for now… I don't know. But I'll come through it. Somehow.


End file.
